I am Blessed with the Best!!

   As you all may know, I finally got a permanent position at work which means that I am no longer on call both day and night, I don't have to drive all over the place and I can now make plans!!! WOOHOO!!! My poor Hubs has had to listen to me gripe, complain and sometimes even cry over how much I hated my job and how frayed my nerves were getting. He was probably at his witts end with me I'm sure. Anyhow, last night was my last shift on Relief and I couldn't wait for 11pm to get here. When I came home I did the usual shower, wash the make-up off thing and then headed downstairs to meet up with the Hubs. When I sat down on the couch, a square of white caught my eye, and there sitting on the table was a card addressed to me....or "to My Lovely Wife" as he calls me!! How sweet, caring and thoughtful of him!! I truly am blessed with a great husband, one who thought of last night as a special day!!! I love him so much!!!! Here's a picture of my cherished little card!!!!!

I have to tell you that all those little stickers are because he made a mistake and had to cover it up!!!!!!!                                                                                          

Where have all the good people gone?!?!?!

   I seem to have been running into some pretty damn selfish people lately. I must say, these are generally the people that I dislike the most. What the hell makes you so damn important that nobody else matters??? There's one person in particular that at times makes my blood just boil. They play the role of perfection to a tee...but let me tell ya..there's an evil little selfish greed monster hiding underneath that facade. It makes me sick to see sometimes. And you know what's even worse?????? They get everything that they want!!! It just isn't fair!!!!!

   I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means...I have my moments where I only want to care about myself, to be number one....but that's not to often. I try each and everyday to put others first, to help people out and to not gripe and complain about all the shit I have to go through and the things that I will never have, but at least I'm real and sincere. What you see is what you get!!!!! No doubt about that!!!

   All I'm wishing for is for "these" people to open their eyes......Life is so-damn-short....stop being greedy, stop trying to be a control freak....you may just be surprised how much nicer it is when you can be real and caring!!!!

Dear Body....

   To my dearest Body,

     I know that you and I have had a "love/hate" relationship for the last little while, but do you think that you could give me a break?? I'm tired of fighting with you, of asking you to do things that you don't want to do and of course, all the weight that you keep packing on!!

    I started a little battle against you today by going for a 1 hour power walk..TAKE THAT!! I'm hoping to punish you each and everyday till I see that extra weight slip away!! I know you'll be feeling some pain tomorrow!! Haha!!

    I know that you took the greatest gift that there is away from me (that of having a baby), but you know what??? I think I may be starting to forgive you. I have ALOT of great things in my life to embrace and be thankful for and I've let you win that battle for far to long!!! It's my turn to be happy and start living everday to its fullest instead of dwelling on how much I despise you. So just so you know.....my mood will be changing ALOT, so get used to it!!

    That's all I have to say to you for now.....I'm taking my body back, and you and your negative ways can go elsewhere!!!

                                                                                          Ever so sincerely,
                                                                                                          Kristy

Gardens and lonely eggs...

   The rain finally held off long enough for me to get all of my gardens weeded and planted!! It looks sooooo much better now, and will look even better once they start to grow and bloom!!! My hands are now a big, huge mess, but totally worth all the work (and money) that it took!!


     While I was down at the back of the yard cutting the grass, a little flash of color caught my eye. I bent down to see what it was and realized that it was a blue robins egg!!! Not sure why the sight of an abandoned egg makes me feel a little sad..(probably b/c I think that the mom bird is wondering where her future hatchling is..)...so I took it over to the neighbours bird house tree and plopped it into one of the houses. Now...I'm trying to convince myself that one of those mommy birds will think that that egg is theirs and sit on it...or I just did something really dumb!! Oh well.....I'm trying to give this little baby a fair chance....we'll see that comes out of that house in awhile!!!

                                                                                             

Looooooong weekend!!

   What a great long weekend we've had so far!!! Yesterday we went out "treasure hunting"..(or metal detecting..). My in-laws got me a metal detector for Christmas and this was the first really nice day that we've had for us to go out and try it. We didn't actually find any treasure per say...but we did find a matal button snap............at least we know it works!!

    We took our girlie outside last night to light some sparklers....it is, after all the long weekend!!!! I got her to swirl and spin the sparkler around trying to capture some cool pics....I got a few....it was fun!!!

  I miss her SO now that she is gone home. Our house is quiet, there is no one to pick up after..*sigh*...oh well...I can spend the day tomorrow tending to my gardens!!!! I hope you're all have a terrific weekend...I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that the weather man is wrong about tomorrow and we'll have nothing but sun!!!!!!

                                                                                               

What it's really like...........

    I don't really want to go on and on about not being able to pro-create, but here's a few things to let you know what it really, truly feels like....

     Your heart really does break every time you see a pregnant women or a mommy holding their childs hand.

      I would give ANYTHING for a stomach full of stretchmarks, sore boobs and sleepless nights.

      I hate the fact that I will NEVER feel a baby moving around in my belly.

      There will never be a part of me left here when I leave this earth. That's kinda sad...... :(

       Who is gong to take care of me when I'm old???? (I've seen this time and time again...so sad!!)

        I will never get to pick out baby clothes for my baby. (and I love to shop for babies!!)

        What would a little person that was  a mix of me and the Hubs look like???? (I'll never know!!)

         Why am I such a failure?!?!?! Why did I have to have a broken body??????

         I will never know what it's like to see/hold MY baby for the first time.....*sniff*

    ...........................O.K....I could go on and on......but I don't want to depress all of you..I just want to be totally honest about the thoughts and feelings that I feel on a daily basis. It's really hard sometimes, and there are some really dark days...but ya know what??????? I believe that it has to be me for a reason, and I don't wish this upon anyone!!   All you Mommies out there are so special, lucky and blessed. I would give anything to have that for just one day!! Enjoy each and everyday with your lil' ones....be proud of those stretch marks and extra pounds. You are amazing!!! I wish that I could be just like you..all-the-time....but you know what?????? I'm meant for something else!!! I'm still waiting to find out what it is!!!!

    

Say What?!?!?!

   So..as mentioned yesterday (and maybe the day before, and the day before that), I had to go for my physical this morning. I hate them sooooo much, but I do know that they are very important to have. So I got up early, showered, shaved (very important for these kind of appointments) and got ready to head out the door. Ugh....I felt nervous....things just never go right for me in this department.

   Anyhow....I got to the office, checked in and waited for about 5 mins before I was ushered into the room. The doc. came in, asked me the usual questions and then went to see when my last pap with her was. She thought it had been a while, but really I had had one with my gyno. a year ago. I told her this and you know what she said???? ...to only get undressed from the waist up.....wait....did I hear that right?????? She left the room (to let me get undressed of course) and the whole time I was wondering if I had misheard her.....well..I did what she asked, while feeling confused. When she came back, I asked If I had heard her right, she said I sure did. Then she told me that I could have my pap with my gyno. What the hell?!?!?  Does that not make that appointment a total waste of time????? Now I have to make ANOTHER appointment for a pap. Ugh...well, at least he is totally awesome and super quick and efficient. Let's just say that that appointment didn't quite go as I had thought it would!!!!

A ray of light on a gloomy day (or week)

  As mentioned before, we have had sooooooo much rain everyday that it was starting to get really depressing. (well, it's still pretty glum even today). However, yesterday I got the call that I have been waiting for for an entire year..(and no, I'm not pregnant!!). My supervisor called me to tell me that I was the top person to apply for a position!!! You know what that means?!?!?!?!? It means no more daily phone calls, no more not knowing if I'm working mornings or afternoons and now I will always know where I'll be going every-single-day!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!! Oh, and did I mention that it is also the same hours that the Hubs works, so now we will actually get to see eachother??!!!  This was my little ray of sunshine on such a crappy day!!! I couldn't have gotten better news!!

   Tomorrow is the dreaded physical (yuck!!!). Still feeling dread that something will be wrong, but really trying to be hopeful!!! I shouldn't complain...people have to go through alot worse than I've gone through, so really, It's kind of selfish of me. And really??? A physical only lasts like 5 minutes...hell, you're at the dentist longer!!! At least by this time tomorrow it will all be over with!!! Wish me luck!! I will let you know tomorrow if I survived!!!! :)

Ten on Tuesday

1.   The invitations are done!! That was a whole lot of work, but totally worth it to see my friends face light up when she saw them!!


2.   This rainy weather is starting to get to me...ALOT. I'm not sure I can take to much more of being trapped indoors, feeling cold and damp! Where the hell is the sun???


3.   I just had coffee with a friend from work....it was really great to find out that we are ALOT alike!! It was also nice to chat with another female instead of the Hubs..(sorry honey, I love you but sometimes ya just need another woman.)


4.   Work is still work. I'm really sick of that too. The phone calls everyday to find out where I'm going are starting to get very annoying and I can't wait for the day when the phone stops ringing.


5.   I'm totally dreading my upcoming physical on Friday. I usually always end up getting called back for something, so of course my nerves are on edge. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a clean bill of health this time.


6.   The Hubs is home sick from work. He has a cold and just feels crappy all around. I wish that I could stay home and snuggle with him....not that I want to catch his coodies...but still, on days like this it would be nice to stay in bed together.


7.   I actually slept for 13hrs on Sunday night. I have NEVER done that, so I'm guessing I needed it?? Other than that...I've been up at my usual 7am no matter what.


8.   Life is pretty dull right now.....we really need some sunshine over here to perk everyone up!! I'd love to do something outdoors this weekend with the Hubs and our Girlie, but I can't really plan anything since it looks like it's going to rain all weekend. Ugh!!!!


9.   I feel like I should be making something healthy for my dinner at work tonight, but honestly, I'll probably just end up taking a "Mr. Noodles" bowl with me. Yeah I know....not exactly a meal, but I soooooo don't feel like cooking right now.


10.   Is is totally wrong that instead of getting out my steam mop to clean the floors this morning, I grabbed a Clorox wipe instead?!?!?

Everything Pink..

   I spent most of this rainy weekend making the baby shower invitations for my friend!! I must say....they are very girlie, and PINK!!! I love them!! This is totally what I would have wanted if I'd have been having a baby shower for my soon-to-be-here baby girl!! My BFF LOVES them also, and I was glad to do it for her! I even filled all 40 of them out for her to take some of the work load off of her!!! I can't wait to give them to her!!
      The Hubs and I also went out and did a little shopping yesterday, but I ended up buying some super cute little baby outfits for the shower!! The Hubs even helped!(totally not his thing to browse the baby section!!) Anywho....here a few pics. so you can see all the I've been up to and these super-cute baby things!! Hope you're all enjoyin this rainy (or not) weekend!!!!

                                                                                     
                                                                                                                                                                             

Hello Friday!!!!!

      Am I EVER glad that Friday is here!! Work was so busy this week and I'm done, done DONE!!!! I did alot of running around this week...I had to get our nephews b-day present, some groceries, and of course some supplies for the baby shower invites that I'm making for my friend. (they are super cute btw....I'll post pics. another time!!). Tomorrow is our nephews b-day party, and then I'm hoping that the Hubs and I can go out to celebrate our anniversary since we didn't get to last Friday. Just a nice dinner with the 2 of us.....*sigh*...how romantic!!! lol!!..We'll see what happens!!

      I am so ready for bed...I came home from almost 10 hours of work, started on the invitations, played with the dog(which is a job in itself), called the Government..(another job in itself), cut the grass, played with the dog some more...and now????  I'm sitting!!!! However I may have to haul my booty into the shower as there's grass stuck to my feet and I'm sure I stink...oh, and the legs could use a shave to!!! Gonna pretty myself up for the Hubs!!! hehe!!Hopefully I can keep these eyes open until he gets home..I miss him and can't wait to curl up on the couch....only 3.5 more hours to go!!! Think I'll make it?!?!?!?!?

Who Cares If.......

Who Cares If......

1.   I snore louder than the Hubs....and he sometimes has to nudge me to shut me up!!

2.   I HATE driving on the highway.....there are just to many scary drivers out there and it makes me really nervous!!!

3.   I hate doing laundry..washing, folding, putting away....yep, I hate everything about it!!!

4.   I can't stand having a top sheet on the bed!! I hate getting tangled in it and I can't stand when it comes out from the end!!

5.   I really dislike having a physical (though I'm sure there aren't to many women that do enjoy it). I get heart palpitations when I have to go......I guess it's due to that fact that I've never had good news!!!

6.   I wear the Hubs shirts to bed ALL the time!! I know, not very sexy but hey...I go for comfort!!

7.   I wear make-up every-single-day.....sometimes I don't feel like it, but I guess it's just habit!

8.   I really want a pet duck and goat. O.k...it's wierd, but they are so damn cute!!

9.   I ask a million questions.....I'm inquisitive, always have been and always will be!!!

10.  I am very anal about lawn and garden maintenance. I think the appearance of the outside of your house says alot about you. (sorry is this offends anyone!!)

11.   I'm a worry-wart.....I worry about EVERYTHING!!! The Hubs tells me that we have nothing to worry about....but I still lose sleep over things!!

12.   Baking isn't my thing....I'm good at it, but I love Cooking!!!! I just wish I had a bigger kitchen!!

13.   My hands are manly!! I have a job that makes my hands look like crap!! Though as mentioned before, I may pretty them up soon with acrylics!!

14.   The Hubs put a brand new soaker tub in the bathroom when we re-did it just for me, and, well.....I've maybe only soaked in it a handful of times.

15.   I secretly wish that the Hubs and I could have lot's of babies together that were just like our girlie!!!! Why can't there really be a stork?!?!?!  

"Ten on Tuesday"

     1. We just recently celebrated our 1 year anniversary on May 6th!! WooHoo!! The Hubs got me a card and a dozen red roses....and I think maybe something else may be on the way, but that remains to be seen!!
      2. We went to our girlies Piano competiton and she won 1st Place!!! My heart was beaming with pride!!!! I also play the piano and am thrilled that she also has a love for it!!!! I hope she never gives it up!!
      3. I'm really hating my job...it's so sucky and I have NO life at all. I can't even make a plan...AT ALL!!!!! Ugh...I'm hoping to get a permanent place soon, so hoepfully things will change for the better!!
      4.  My little nephew is turning 5 on Thursday!!! I can't believe that he is going to be 5 already!!! I remember holding him when he was born! He was sooooooo cute! I wish they stayed that little for just a little bit longer!!! He wants a skateboard for his birthday....why do I picture a trip to the hospital in the the near future?!?!?
      5.   I found ANOTHER "ding" in the side of my car!!!!! I swear that if I ever actually catch someone in the act of hitting my car door with theirs, I will actually punch them out!!! People are SO inconsiderate!!! UGH!!!!!
      6.  I am desperate to go and get some acrylic nails put on!!! I have man-hands right now and I hate it!!!! I want to feel just a little more feminine and pretty!!! (even if it IS just my hands!!)
      7.   I finally found the right pillow for our spare room bed!!! I needed it to be just the right shade of green...I looked and looked and then finally...there it was!!! Yay!!! The looking is O-V-E-R!!!
      8.   I kinda volunteered to make baby-shower invitations for my friend....what was I thinking?!?!?! I don't know. I like to torture myself and put more pressure on myslef!!! Oh well....I want it to be extra special for her since she went through some hard times..she deserves it!!
      9.   I'm starting to think that I need to make some new friends. I have a few close ones...(one that I hardly EVER see...) I just need someone that can be here for me when I need them. That may sound selfish, or even harsh...but sometimes you just need someone you can always count on.
      10.   I also bought some new "ornaments" for my gardens!!! I have such a passion for gardening and get so excited when I get new things!!! I can't wait to plant my flowers and pull my weeds!!! Seriously!!!!!!!
                                                                                      

Self-Love...

     This is something that I've been thinking about for awhile now...why can't we just love ourselves...our faults, weaknesses.....hell, even our stretch marks and saggy "parts"???? Life is so short, so why are we so critical and hard on ourselves??

    I know first hand that when you aren't able to have babies, you begin to belittle yourself...tell yourself what a failure you are..and you truly believe that. Now???.... I'm trying to get past that and realize that maybe I'm not such a "failure" after all. Maybe I'm meant for something else....what???? Who knows........the "Big Man Upstairs" has it all figured out!! hehe!!

      I know I've gained some weight, and really have no good reason for it, but really???? I have really bad knees...(X-rays to prove it and a visit to the surgeon), which is still not an excuse for NOT exercising!!!! ...A job that varies in every way from day to day that sometimes leaves me REALLY tired and worn out, and I'm just truly busy doing lot's of things...ie: making baby shower invites for one of my BFF'S!!!! ......O.K.....not good excuses....but like I said....Life is SHORT and you only live it once!!

     I'm truly going to try and exercise more and eat healthier, but I know that I'll never have the body that I had 7 yrs ago...the one that I had BEFORE I found out that I would never be a mommy.  (Yeah...I think, wait...I'm positive that that's played a huge role in my weight gain.....ya know....the sadness+failure= eating ....) It just goes hand in hand!!! But ya know what??? I'm worth having a better body.....a healthier body!!!! I just need to get my body to move..to feel motivated!!! I need all of you out there in Blogland to keep reinforcing me....to let me know that I'm worth feeling good about myself......STRETCH MARKS AND ALL!!!!! haha!!!! I-CAN-DO-THIS!!!!! (with your help of course!!) I think this is how I will find my Self-Love.....through exercise...through the endorphins that will surge through my body....time will tell....just keep me motivated!!!!!

Happy Mothers Day!!!

     Just wanted to wish all you Mothers, Mommies, Soon-to-be mommies, and those who have angel babies a very Happy Mothers Day!! You ALL rock!!! For all the times that you have been there for us, for all the guidance and love ...you're the best!!!! And for those who have gone through the worst, who are not yet mommies and who are trying really hard....you ROCK even more!!!! Your strength and courage are amazing and inspiring and my wish for you all is that one day your dreams to be a mama will come true!!  I will leave you with a picture of me and my "daughter".....the love of my life!!

                                                                                                 

Our First!!!!

   One year ago today I married the man of my dreams on the beach in the Bahamas!! What a hot, beautiful day that was!! Wish we were back there to celebrate!!! I hope that we will have many more anniversaries to come!! Here's a picture of us on the beach as husband and wife!! What a happy day!!

                                                                                         

Proud "Mama"!!!

      I'm a P-R-O-U-D Mama today!!! Our girlie placed first at her piano competition for the second year in a row!!!! I get sooooo nervous when she goes up to play, but she's always so confident!!! I love that about her!!! I'm just so proud!!! Here's the picture I snapped outside afterwards with her holding her certificate!!!!

                                                                                            

A Break

      I am feeling soooooooo in need of a break from my life!!!! And in no way do I not love my family, but the monotany of everyday is starting to get to me and it's pretty much affecting every part of my life!!!

      My job stresses the crap outta me.....my actual job is easy (sometimes), but the never knowing where I'll be working or what shift is causing me to feel anxious, stressed, and V-E-R-Y  M-O-O-D-Y !!!! The Hubs is definetly taking the brunt of all of this and it's just not fair to him.

      As I've said before, my good friend is preggers and I'm so, so happy for her, but I really don't know how much more happy, cheery baby talk I can take. It makes me feel like a really awful friend that I even feel that way, but come on......she's got to realize that it's killing me slowly and making my mood even worse!!!! I really need to find the positive me again. I miss that person!!!

      As also mentioned before, I really feel like my body has a mind of it's own right now and I'm HATING IT!!!!! I really need to get my ass is gear and make the effort everyday to workout....I think that this will really help improve my overall mood about everything really.

     I'm so glad I have this little blog of mine to complain.....what would I do without it?!?!?

"Memorable Monday"

Today started with me jumping out of bed very early to finish up the cleaning that was left!! (which consisted of steam cleaning the floors with my new steam mop, which totally ROCKS!!!!) I must say, the house is spotless.....but that's about ALL I can say about today. I know I'm supposed to be making Mondays more memorable and happy, but dang it's hard sometimes!! On the bright side though, I'm still working close to home and with my mom, so that's definetly a good thing!!! (Tomorrow may be another story!!) At least this Monday is almost over and then we'll that much closer to the weekend!! WOOHOO!!!

Another Sleepless Sunday

UGH!!! Here I am again, like every other Sunday night heading off to bed to NOT sleep! Why you ask??? Well.....I never know if I'm working day shift or afternoon shift, so there's always a good chance of the phone ringing at 5:30am to go to work.....so...yeah....I never sleep!! Oh well.....here's to another night of stress and no sleep!!! See ya tomorrow for Memorable Monday!!!!